Alone Alone All The Way

I like to observe the universe as a cold hearted logic machine… emotionless like a drone… trying to find reasoning… and exploits to build more deterministic world. Perhaps that’s why I was swept by the concept of Borgs when I saw them in Star Trek. And so I’d thought I’m designed to stay alone… Me, my books, my thoughts - can go long way before there’s a need for human contact, touch, feeling or emotions. Loneliness seemed to be blessing which gave you freedom to work your way. That is, till now. I guess I saw it… saw it in it’s entirely… probably saw it the way God might have create it.. or seen it. And when you do, it passes though each of your hair on skin, racing to make every bit of life meaningless and breaking every bit of your strength you had. It can’t be defeated. You either accept it or you seize to exist. It’s cold dark endless universe and it’s probably the scariest experience or may be just too vast to accommodate in human senses. I watched my cold hearted logic machine breaking down… May be I’ll rebuild but the fact that it can be broken down is annoying…. unacceptable… But I guess it did lot of work… slowly and steadily to bring down all the walls until all that was left were us - from eye to eye - a stare to know each other. A crave to reach out - like wanting to someone pull my hand from quicksand. I felt eternity in the moments that passed before someone would touch my hand. I thought I wanted to give up everything for one touch, one contact. I felt angered and weak… weak like a sand castle… trying to put myself together against a blow. But then I think may be I wanted to get defeated. But as in any experiment, I guess I now understand lots of things… I understand how it feels… like a point traveling in cold, dark and infinite space, with no hope of destination…. no destination…. no purpose. It’s scary… And perhaps that’s why God created the universe.